New Streams of Life (5)
New Streams of Life (5)
With every day passing by, lost of things had happened. First my friend’s grandfather passed away, which meant my attending the funeral to be necessary. Second
I went to the fields one night with my friend. In the brisk night by the fire we talked a lot, about life, about the meaning of it, and about ourselves as individuals in this mighty Cosmo.
I couldn’t say if I am happy under the current state. In the past few days I have been asked more than once if I had got used to the life here, and if I had found it difficult to settle in. But I have never had difficulties of that sort. Instead, what puzzled me was only the life in general. In that sleepless night I
thought a lot about my conversation with my friend. I tried to figure out the reason of my existence in this world. I told my friend that I am a positive person
in general, but somewhat the triviality of us as individuals on this earth made
me sad and pensive. No matter how much you will achieve in your life, you will
perish, just like the fire at my feet in that very night. It had life in it, then its vitality blinked away, and finally no one else except for us would know the fire had ever existed.
I don’t know how many people have been disillusioned after they realized their
dream of coming abroad. For me as I didn’t have much illusion in my mind as a start, I don’t have disillusion to suffer at the current stage. Isn’t life always similar? The only difference is only details. My friend said: there are small
details which you won’t notice in the short run, but will bother you in the long run. He said it based upon his two years’ experience in China. Now, after leaving China, finally I am able to understand him.
As a start I have got on with my life here without knowing lots of things, which
were comprised of my life in China, missing. Things such as the rattling tempo
of life, the hectic restlessness overwhelming me now and again at nights; but as
time went on and I got more chance to expose myself in this environment, time has showed me by degrees the difference. Then I realized that maybe it is time for me to do some serious thinking and not to be affected by the flickering visual newness.
I remember that the third day after I arrived I told my friend how wishful I was
to be able to settle in. My friend’s mother hustling around in my eyes had a special charm which I wish I could own, and his father’s supping his beer jovially at the end of a day had a golden tinge of content and ease which I wish I could embrace. I had wished that I could be as hectic as a chicken,if I couldn't
do better than it, as that at least indicated I was doing something actively.
But now as days have passed, I gradually came back to myself. Finally. I know
that generally life everywhere is always the same in terms of routine. So it is
up to you that makes yours a bit different, a bit your own style, to be worthwhile.
I am reading Jude the Obscure at the moment. The humble Jude’s story reminded me of my past, in which I struggled not much less than Jude was. So reading his story warmed my heart, as if I was listening to a narration by a friend, which gave me an impulse to strive forward and never to say “give up.” This is also what I felt when I was walking in the colourless Dartmoor earlier in the day. The
slaty-coloured moor and its forbidding outlook somewhat resemble the life at
some stage. But just as dear Mr. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice said: “Don’t despair...It will Pass...” I think I will pass my current passive stage soon. And
I shall.
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