New Streams of Life (19)
New Streams of Life (19)
It is a fine day today. Had been unable to walk in the fields due to my five horse fly bites, I went to the field again with my friend, but this time instead of wearing skirts I wore trousers and long sleeved cotton top. I was very smug about it. In the fields I saw imprudent horse flies linger around me, but not able
to find a proper place to land on. I must have done their heads in.
As the grass in the fields is grown long and thick at this time of year, often walking in the open view we would encounter someone driving a grass cutting tractor in the fields. The air hence was often full of the smell of hay and new cut grass. Today it was no exception. We watched the grass cut man driving around the
field, leaving behind him piles upon piles grass. The sky was very blue, against the clear skyline trees breezed away further away in the fields. The air was full of quietude.
I like the smell of hay and the feeling of dry logs in my hands. There will be a
wood burning stove in the house soon. My friend and I like to pick logs in the
fields, drag them along the slope, and carry them home. There is still scattered
hay in some fields, though most of them have been piled up and carried away by
trucks. When we cross the fields some hay will stop and linger on our sandals. But it is so good to feel the touch of hay, soft and tingling. I would love to lie down if not because of dog excrements which were literally everywhere.
As usual my friend and I love to talk during the walks. He mentioned that how distracting the house extension is every day, and how distressful the builder’s ongoing radio is in the daytime. I don’t know why I didn’t feel it that way. The house extension doesn’t bother me very much, nor the drilling and radio channels from the builders outside. By time I gradually accept the imperfectness of the situations in life. If you are resolved to do something, you will just have to get on with it. It’s no use to complain the outer factors are not favorable.
The fact is the outer factors could never be perfect, as they are not controlled
by us. So why complain, while I am sure there are ways to get around with the unfavorable conditions?
I found separating from my friend in light of project managing is a good thing.
Though we have lots of similarities, or rather we have lots of thoughts and views that the other can appreciate and understand, I find working together is often
quite difficult. Our temperaments are different. The frictions because of the difference had quite bad impacts on our relationship, when we tried to work together. I was not satisfied when he summarized that probably we just couldn’t work
together in the past. But now I accept the fact, and actually quiet appreciate
the adjustment. Finally we are in peace.
In Of Human Bondage poor Philip experienced the agony of love when he was young
and miserable. He liked a woman whose thoughts were in very way contradictory to
his. He despised himself whenever he tried to reason the affection; he despised
the woman and madly fell in love with her meanwhile. But he got over the mad affair in the end, and figured out that only in the fictions people committed suicide or died because of love. In reality what made people go despair and wanted to give up their life such as poverty was nothing to do with the word.
I don’t really believe soul mates, and I never was. I believe that life is random, and everyone can live without another. Hence I find no charm when people are
in long-term agony because their love is single-sided. I understand that everyone has a trying age to pass, but I think everyone should move on when it is time. A sincere relationship needs not presents and condescension. It takes both parts’ effort to make it work. My friend and I had a quite difficult time sometimes. But we always tried to open up and discussed the problems, instead of letting them sink and accumulate.
I told my friend before that I never expected to come to England with him, when
I first him. Nor did I expect him to be always there when I was in distress. I feel that a partner is not someone who gives you congratulation when it is your birthday; rather it is someone who can make efforts to communicate and understand
you. I think that’s also the reason that Philip’s futile love towards that woman was so agonizing. But as the time moved on he realized that a real love, which is comprised of reciprocal understanding and consideration, could never be heart-stricken and debasing. Rather it is what could bring placidity to you, make
your heart feel as full as a waxing tide, and what could give you the support and inspiration to live in the maddening crowd.
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