My Life as Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law in the West
Hi Bamboo,
I'm the mother-in-law of three men and one woman. I am friendly with my sons-in
-law but I don't yet feel that any of them love me. I think it is
possible that my daughter-in-law may have some love for me. I have tried
not to interfere in the lives of my children and their mates and children.
There is a fear here that mothers-in-law will be interfering. Maybe itcomes from the mass media. The mass media also seems to make it seem as
though children and their mates don't want to have phone calls with theirmothers!
I find that my children are my best friends and that we have interesting andlong phone calls together weekly. I don't phone them very often becauseI don't know when it would be convenient. They have more complicated livesthan I do so it is easier for me to have time when they phone me, than forme to guess when is a good time to phone them.
I am talking about all this phoning because none of our children live closerthan a six hour drive to us. Two live further away than that, and our sonand his wife live across this big country.
Because we are all Baha'is it was necessary for each of their mates to askUncle Ben and me for parental consent to their marriages. They each did, andwe have the responsibility for having given consent to the marriages, so I
see this as making a moral responsibility for us to do anything we can to helptheir marriages to be firm, and nothing to upset them.
Once one of our daughters, her husband and family stayed with us for a fewmonths when they had some financial stress. We were able to give them theuse of the downstairs of our house and we lived upstairs. We were thus ableto live together with privacy for us and for them, and so we didn't have anyirritations between us. That was a long time ago. We have had all of them
for many overnight or a few days visits. It is always fun. We don't expectanything from each other except to get along well, so none of us make demands.
I think our daughters' husbands are more comfortable with Uncle Ben, and thatis because they are all males.
I understand how the help of families living together can be useful to all ofthem. I also understand how there can be expectations and irritations arise from this because there must be parts fulfilled by each member, almost like jobs.
So the others may feel that the josbs must be done as well as they expect. UncleBen and I have given various kinds of assistance as we saw it was needed and
showed our caring and moral support for all of them. It is indeed tricky in
this culture, as well as apparently in yours for mothers-in-law and daughters or
sons-in-law to get along with in-law parents as though they were their own
children and parents. I think probably that's what I would like and that's what
I miss from the mates. I think I probably wish for too much in this society.
Uncle Ben's parent lived in Germany. I wrote to them as soon as Ben and I
became engaged. They were delighted to have regular news of their dear son,
who isn't the best writer, so I was already "one up". :-))) My dear mother-in-
law went to classes and learned English in order tobe able to communicate with her grand-children and with me and my parents. Ben'
s
parents and my parents became good friends. They visited each other across the
ocean to each other's homes. I also made a few visits through the years with one or the other of our children to their German grandparents. My parents-in-law
came to visit us, and their English was completelyadequate for us all to feel their love and to communicate, and it steadily became better.
I had many interests in common with my father-in-law who had his doctorate in
agriculture, specilizing in plant protection. We used to visit the experimental
farm and the horticultural school here and in Central Canada when we still lived there, and the wonderful gardens along the Niagara River Parkway together.
My mother-in-law and I had a kind of heart understanding and could always
understand each other through words as well as intuition. In the beginning she
was a little nervous of me because Germany had been defeated and Canada was oneof the countries that fought against Germany, but she soon discovered that I had
no negative feelings against her or her people and so it all just drifted awaylike mist in the sunshine. I loved my parents, and also my parents-in-law very
much and I often think of my mother-in-law and her strength and determination and how she packed gift boxes every year, even as an old lady, for all of us in our family. I don't consider myself half the wonderful grand-mother that she was!
I hope you all navigate the shoal-filled waters of in-law-ship safely and
well.
My affection and good wishes to you all,
Maryk
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